We’re sorry, internet, but this new Funny or Die video has figured out the way to absolutely make the new iPhone 6 completely hack-proof.

No more iCloud, no more internet. The un-hackable iPhone 6, says this short film, is just a phone. And it only calls your parents.

Watch below as the three “interviewees,” playing Apple software designers, get angrier and angrier in their explanation, which comes down to “this is why we can’t have nice things.” Warning – there are a few colorful descriptions of things members of 4chan (the group behind most of the iCloud hacking) might want on their phone, as well. If you’re easily offended, skip the video.

Considering that just a few short years ago Apple was scoring dead last on Greenpeace’s report on green-friendly data centres, the company has made amazing strides in order to turn around its reputation.

In a new September report from Greenpeace, entitled “Green Gadgets: Designing the Future,” the global environmental organization says that Apple is doing more than any other manufacturer to reduce the damage it does to the environment. The report notes that Apple has kept its promise to eliminate use of hazardous materials including Polyvinylchloride (PVC) and Brominated flame retardants (BFRs) in its products.

Apple’s event on September 9th is going to be huge. Sure, iPhone announcements come around every 12 months, but this year Apple’s going bigger than ever with two product launches, a gigantic venue, and a mysterious white cube.

We investigated Apple’s mystery box ourselves last week and still couldn’t piece together what it’s for, but according to rumblings on the Internet, U2 will be the headlining act during next week’s event, and will launch their next album by pre-loading it on every new iPhone 6.

It may sound too crazy to be true, but U2 fans are already convinced Bono and The Edge will tear up the stage at the Flint Center, and there’s come compelling proof.

Here’s the evidence:

Apple will show off the iPhone 6 to the world in less than two weeks, and like always, an executive in an untucked dress shirt will explain why it’s the best iPhone ever.

If you pride yourself on knowing Apple history, then we’ve come across a cool summary of each iPhone launch to date. The six-minute video hits the highlights from each iPhone event since 2007.

To get a true appreciation for how massive Apple’s new UFO-shaped campus will be, a drone equipped with a GoPro was flown over the construction site.

We’ve seen some aerial pictures of the site beginning to take shape as work begins on Campus 2, but this is by far the coolest look yet.

Have you ever cracked a Lightning connector, or — perish the thought — your iPhone itself when roughly yanking it out of a dock? Apple’s working on the problem. Cupertino’s patent department just filed an application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office for a sort of super dock that will make docking your smartphone safer and easier than ever.

Earlier this week it was announced that Apple was replacing certain iPhone 5 models, sold between September 2012 and January 2013, due to a problem related to the devices’ battery life.

According to certain customers, however, things are not quite as straightforward as they may seem.

Some users, who fulfilled the criteria in terms of their iPhone 5 serial number, were still denied the free device replacement after Apple added additional tests. One iPhone user in Queensland, Australia said that she was told by an Apple Store employee that while the battery was “borderline” defective (it allegedly ran for only a couple of hours after charging) it was “not close enough” to warrant a free replacement. The customer was then asked for $99 in order for the Apple staffer to install a new battery.

The official unveiling of the iPhone 6 has finally been announced for September 9th, and while the iWatch has been rumored to make a surprise appearance at the event, “informed sources” out of China report that Apple’s 5.5-inch iPhone 6 won’t be seen at the Flint Center for performing arts.

Chinese tech blog IT168 Mobile reports that Apple’s upcoming event will launch two new iPhones, but we will only see a 4.7-inch iPhone 6, plus a new 8GB iPhone 5s to presumably to replace the iPhone 5c.