Photo from Woz.org
Steve Wozniak on “Dancing with the Stars” is the greatest cultural event of the decade. As such, I’m plopped in front of the couch awaiting the Woz for the West Coast broadcast (I’m told we’re just three minutes away). Nicole told you how to vote, and I’m here to tell you how he did. Check out the blow-by-blow below!
9:15 p.m. I just endured a solid three minutes of Jewel’s cowboy husband not dancing. It was absurdly painful. He gets a total of 14 points.
9:18 p.m. There goes Olympic silver medalist Shawn Johnson. She’s being pulled around by a man who looks like the uglier brother of Mark from “Ugly Betty.”
9:23 p.m. Big points for Shawn! I guess! I’ve never watched this show before.
9:23 p.m. Woz just rolled in on a Segway in a cloud of smoke! There is a god.
9:24 p.m. Also, Tom Bergeron just said Woz founded Apple in the early ’70s. A factual error on first sentence.
9:24 p.m. Woz meets his dancing partner by rolling up on a Segway, too.
9:25 p.m. Woz really does not know how to dance, based on these rehearsal shots. Though he does notice that dancing can be mathematical and left-brained.
9:26 p.m. Words of Wozdom: “I like to close my eyes when I’m practicing, because it lets me get an image of my head of me dancing. It’s like I’m dreaming.”
9:27 p.m. “Nerds can dance.” No, Steve, they can’t.
9:27 p.m. Steve comes out with a giant pink feather boa and a tux. He’s actually got a lot of personality, although he might want to close his mouth. Still, he’s a natural ham. A lot of sticking his tongue out.
9:28 p.m. The song is “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet.” Quite.
9:29 p.m. You know, by the standards of this show, that was very not embarassing.
9:29 p.m. Bergeron: “Take that, Bill Gates.” Also: “If Safari freezes, should I delete it or restart it?” Yes, because Woz has a lot to do with current Apple software.
9:30 p.m. Cranky Italian judge: “It was like watching a Teletubby going mad at the gay pride parade!” Well said.
9:30 p.m. Lady judge: “You are what this show is all about!” And “You made it to the end! It was fantastic!” It’s true. He didn’t once take a break or sit down.
9:31 p.m. Woz score coming after the ad. I have to say. He looks way more composed than his partner.
9:33 p.m. Here come the scores: 5, 4, and 4 for 13 total. Which means they did worse than Jewel’s stupid cowboy husband. Which is a serious miscarriage of justice. He was so much better than that guy!
9:34 p.m. Empty headed-host: “You said that ballroom dancing is harder than designing computers. But you just got through that entire dance!” They really seem concerned about his ability to remain standing.
9:34 p.m. Woz: “That was the most incredible fun thing I’ve ever done. It’s so great. I’m so glad to be here!” More fun than pretending to date Kathy Griffin?
9:35 p.m. Dance partner Karina Smirnoff: “Honestly, he’s the nicest man alive, and he gives 100 percent in every rehearsal!” Well, he would have to give at least that much. He’s Woz.
9:36 p.m. And…it’s over. Please turn it off before David Alan Grier dances, and get your vote in now! (Just done with my 13 now; what a worthy cause!)
See you next week? Maybe?
