Shake with fear, GarageBand developers! Cower before us on your knees, Steve Jobs! Bow down and acknowledge how cool we are, Phil Schiller!

For we are Microsoft, and we make Songsmith, and now NOTHING CAN STOP US.

(What you DIDN’T know is that the above video is NOT an advert for Songsmith, but in fact a cleverly disguised ad for another new Microsoft product called Adsmith. With Adsmith, you think up the coolest, most amazing idea for an advert, for any kind of product, and Adsmith automatically generates a high definition video, using just your thoughts as a starting point! That’s right, you don’t even have to sing or talk to it, it just READS YOUR MIND.)

((What you DIDN’T DIDN’T know is that Apple spies have been operating within the Microsoft marketing team for some years now. Their job is not so much espionage but sabotage – they are not there to discover Microsoft’s secrets (Steve Jobs isn’t really interested in them), but to ensure that as many Microsoft adverts as possible contain video footage of a MacBook Pro.))

Evidence, if it were needed, that even writers of the Best Mac E-zine Of All Time need to stop for a sit down every now and again.

Here, thanks to the CC-licensed photostream of TidBITS writer Glenn Fleishman, we can see the TidBITters relaxing between frantic article-writing. It’s funny that even the awesome TidBITS team ends up crouching on the floor, huddled up by the power sockets just like the rest of us.

But wait, who’s this walking past – possibly also on the hunt for an empty power outlet? Why, it’s none other than equally great Mac writers David Pogue and Jason Snell. Pogue, Engst and Snell all together in one image: congrats! You’ve collected the full set!

(Thanks to Glenn Fleishman for the CC photos.)

Fart Studio: “Your all-in-one flatulence solution!” Oh, I see: you get to COMPOSE your fart sounds. Some people might call that feature creep.

Meow: it … meeows.

And finally, True Flirt. The developers say: “This might actually get you a date!”. Hmm. Might.

There are is two one great new features in iWeb 09 that went unannounced in yesterday’s keynote, both of which transforms it, in my opinion, from a waste of disk space into a potentially useful tool.

The two changes are is:

→ iWeb can now handle multiple web sites simultaneously; you simply flick from one to another in the sidebar

→ iWeb now lets you publish to any (S)FTP server, rather than tying you in to Mobile Me or restricting you to publishing to a local folder

There have been a few instances in recent years when I’ve briefly toyed with the idea of using iWeb for basic web projects, only to reject it seconds later because of these two this flaws. With iLife 09 installed, I’m going to revisit those projects and think again.

UPDATE: I am an idiot.

For me, the most interesting part of that keynote was the stuff about batteries. I think it’s safe to predict that similar long-life, non-replacable custom batteries will be appearing in the smaller Apple notebook computers in coming months.

Apple’s gone to great lengths to push this battery idea. Witness the expensively-produced video on the MacBook Pro page, that spends a lot of time explaining why it had to be this way. This shows that Apple expected some backlash.

The negative feelings on this issue runs deeper, though, thanks to a problem that’s industry-wide, not just confined to Infinite Loop.

Geek blogger Chris Pirillo now has an iPhone application dedicated to him and all his prolific output: Follow Chris (iTunes Store link) is a single-person feed scraper and aggregator that pulls together content from Pirillo stuff posted on his personal site, Twitter, Lockergnome and the Geeks forum. That’s a lot of Pirillo.

But why?

I contacted developer Peter Birch (who, coincidentally, is based not far from me in Bristol) and asked him.

He told me it was just to make it easier to read all the Pirillo content that’s out there.

“I’ve been following Chris and his writing for about 12 months now. I like his stuff. Every day I wanted to see what was new and that meant checking a bunch of feeds or web sites. I just wanted to make it quicker and easier.”

So, for his very first iPhone app, Peter (normally a designer created something that aggregates a selection of feeds and puts them all together in an attractive app.

Sensibly, Peter did tell Chris what he was doing.

“I’ve told Chris about it and he thought it was a good idea. He’s given me some interesting suggestions for other apps.”

Indeed. It strikes me that this kind of single-subject or single-person aggregator might become very popular on the App Store. It would be trivially easy to build something for the internet superstar of your choice. A-list bloggers, this would be the perfect way to further inflate your already over-large egos.

Like I said, I rather think this kind of “ego app” will be very popular. If we’re lucky, it might even put the fart apps in the shade. Let’s hope so.

Later today, a computer industry trade show will open in the San Francisco area.

Many thousands of computer users, software developers and IT professionals will be attending.

At some point, a senior executive from one of the better-known computer companies will stand up on stage and say a few words about forthcoming products and services.

The audience may get a little excited at this point.

Next up: Dave with the sport headlines.

“Dear Apple Community,”

→ Dear asshole bloggers,

“For the first time in a decade, I’m getting to spend the holiday season with my family, rather than intensely preparing for a Macworld keynote.

“Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.”

→ You journalists are assholes too.

Bookmarklets are great little things. They’ve been proving themselves useful on desktop browsers for years, and are now getting an extra boost of interest from the iPhone community, because you can use them to make mobile Safari do more things.

The latest I’ve seen is Safari+, which is a collection of a dozen or so useful little commands that you might be used to using many times a day on your computer, but can’t use at all on the iPhone.

So if you’ve been looking for a way to Find in page, or Display all images, or List all links, or Translate to Norwegian on your iPhone – well, your problem has been solved.

YES. YES IT WILL.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Take your seats! Blow your noses! Switch off your iPhones! The time is drawing near for the annual Exposition Of Wonder And Amazement that is: Macworld Expo!

Pray cease your wild applause, ladies and gentlemen. We are gathered to celebrate the ending of Another Round Of Mostly Incorrect Rumors, and to cheer on our Leader, His Lordship Steve of Jobs, as he fails to take the Stage of Reality Distortion and instead leaves the task to his minion, Phil “Igor” Schiller.

But before we embark on this journey of discovery, let us enjoy a few brief moments of quiet and calm. Let us take this opportunity to revel in some of the rumors and gossips that have slaked our thirst for actual Apple product news in recent weeks:

• iWork as a cloud app? I don’t think so. Well, iMovie then. Whaaaa? I can really see my ISP going crazy happy about people editing movie files over their pipes. More crazy than happy, though.
• iPhoto as an iPhone app? My iPhone crashes often enough as it is…
• How about a Red iPhone? I fear not with that font, dear friends, not with that font
• Updated Mac minis? Yes! Yes please!

Iiiiiin short: lots of waffle and claptrap. Some of it might even turn out to be true. Or so vague in the first instance that even the slightest mention of a product will validate the rumor.

Even though Steve won’t be on stage (which, as Leander has pointed out, isn’t necessarily a bad thing), the advice this year is the same as the advice every other year: sit back, relax, spend Tuesday with your loved ones, and worry about the keynote later. You can be sure that it will be summarized on one or two web sites. We might even mention it here.

Oh, and don’t buy any new Macs between now and tomorrow. But you knew that already.

(Picture: trialsanderrors, under CC License.)

MacBook (Stop Motion) from Fernando Rueda on Vimeo.

Here’s a cute little stop-motion MacBook unboxing video.

***WARNING: SPOILERS***

I particularly like how the MacBook slides inside its sleeve at the end.

I probably shouldn’t be saying this on a Mac site, but reputation be damned: I’m quite interested to see Windows 7. Let me explain why. (Hang on while I put on my flame-proof jacket. There.)

THING THE FIRST: I want a netbook. I want a cheap, tiny, low-power little computer that does text editing and web browsing. Something I can chuck in my bag and forget about, but be sure it’ll be there as and when I need it. I don’t want to play games on it. I don’t want to mess with my photos on it. I don’t want to make phone calls on it. It doesn’t need a lot of disk space. But it does need a keyboard.

THING THE SECOND: I cannot afford to buy a MacBook Air. And anyway, it doesn’t offer the battery life I’m looking for.

THING THE THIRD: I don’t think Apple’s going to be producing a netbook like this any time soon.

THING THE FOURTH: But I wish they would.

THING THE FIFTH: Windows 7 is on the way, it’ll run on netbooks, and – this is the important bit – I think it’s the first version of Windows that I might have a chance of getting on with.

Why?

Because it, ahem, borrows rather a lot of ideas from Mac OS X.

Let’s see now: it removes unnecessary icons from the Desktop. It makes the Task Bar more Dock-like. It adds a system-wide search box to the Start Menu, from which you can launch apps, open files, access preferences (sorry, options), much in the manner of the Spotlight menu.

What’s more, reports tell us that Windows 7 is less bloated than Vista, runs on more humble spec machines, is somewhat more secure, and runs faster too.

So, in summary: this is the first version of Windows I’ve seen that I’ve seriously considered actually using. And until Apple finds that string of DNA that enables it to make cheap, low-power computers, it will remain an option I’ll consider.

Or maybe I should just get a Linux-based netbook (and optionally install OS X on it regardless) and save myself the bother.

(Picture used under CC license: thanks to adKinn.)

Last week I asked Cult readers for their nominations for new Mac app of the year. Things, 1Password and Dropbox seemed to be the consensus choices, all of them excellent new software products.

It got me thinking, though: how has my computing behavior changed during the last 12 months? What new software am I using that I wasn’t using last Christmas, and why?

The iPhone app formerly known as Exposure has just been updated to version 1.5 and now has a new name: Darkslide.

Developer Fraser Speirs explains what it’s all about on his blog. For the uninitiated, the app is an iPhone-friendly environment for your Flickr account. It lets you keep track of your photos, your contacts’ photos, and check what images have been taken near your current location (which comes in extremely handy when you’re at a tourist attraction and you want to try and shoot something a bit different).

The big new feature in Exposure – sorry – Darkside 1.5 is, in Fraser’s own words, “Upload, upload, upload”. So, it does uploads now.

(I’ve not been able to test it yet, because my App Store is refusing to acknowledge that Exposure has been updated to anything other than Exposure. I expect it’ll all update itself in a few hours.)

This is the just the first half. Of the first page. Of search results for the word “fart” on the App Store.

It would appear that if you haven’t written a fart app, you’re nobody.

Seriously: do any of you have one of these on your iPhone? Has anyone had one of these apps installed for more than 10 minutes? A day?

I can’t talk. I’ve got Star Wars Sound Board installed.

So this is je@n’s iSofa.

I did ask je@n what the story was behind it, but je@n didn’t reply. I expect je@n’s very busy. Thanks anyway, je@n, for letting us re-use your Creative Commons licensed photo. Of a sofa. Covered with MacBook keyboards.

I wonder what it feels like to sit on?

Right then, lovely Cultists. We want your help.

We want to know what the Mac community’s favorite new apps are. What software – first released during 2008 – has fired you up, made you incredibly productive, had you screaming with joy or laughing with delight, or generally just been jolly useful?

We want to know.

We’re prepared to be a little fuzzy with the rules. If your nomination first appeared as a beta in late 2007, that’s fine. If it’s only just appeared in the last few days, that’s fine too. But it needs to be a NEW Mac app, and it needs to have been new this year. You get the idea.

(And yes, we’re going to do one of these for iPhone apps too – maybe next week. One thing at a time.)

So, fire away. Speak your branes. Perhaps we can reach some kind of consensus. The comments box, lovely Cultists, is yours to sully.

At long last, there’s a desktop app for UK Mac users to download digital copies of BBC TV shows.

The launch of the Mac beta comes many months after its Windows rival. It also comes with a self-congratulatory news story at news.bbc.

And it’s also a bit of a mess.

Lots of people, myself included, have spent long hapless hours this evening, trying to find any way to download the app in the first place. I hunted high and low and found nothing. I signed up as a Labs user. I clicked randomly on some stuff. Hmmm. Finally a friend sent me this link, which took me to a Download option.

It’s an Adobe Air app, so installation is fairly straightforward from that point. Even so, with the app installed, I still can’t find a single show available as a download. And that’s after trying in three different browsers. Hence the disappointingly empty screenshot above.

But hey, let’s not moan. It’s great to have the app at all, and UK Mac users will be delighted to have it around. Thank you lovely Auntie Nerds!

Only Google treats us as well as this. Other software developers insist on adding functionality to their updates; only Google gives us the benefit of enhanced version numbers. These people really care about us. It brings a tear to my eye, it really does.

Phil Schiller, watch out. Some people are so annoyed at Apple’s decision to quit the Macworld Expo that they are planning a humiliating revenge.

Lesa Snider King loves Macworld so much that she’s declared herself “mad at Apple” with a brand new call to arms web site: Silent Keynote.

“Apple is sending a message to the entire community–professionals, hobbyists, media, Mac User Groups, and even IDG themselves–that they care nothing for the community who supported them through thick and thin,” she declares.

And so: “If you’re attending the Macworld Expo keynote on Tuesday, Jan. 6, you can send a message to Apple by remaining silent during the 2009 keynote. While Phil Schiller is on the stage, let there be no applause, no whistling… just utter and complete silence.”

What do you think of Lesa’s plan? Will you join her in silent protest? If you do, and Apple DOES finally unveil that updated Newton-Pippin-Tablet-iPhone crossover that everyone’s been going on about for so long, how will you manage to contain yourself?

I can’t help thinking that Lesa’s just shooting herself in the foot here. By announcing that it will quit Macworld, Apple has already made clear that it doesn’t care what Macworld attendees think. It’s going to do its own thing, regardless.

(Photo used under Creative Commons license: thanks kradlum.)

Ahh, remember back when? When rumor sites didn’t exist? Where second-guessing the next Stevenote meant walking in the rain to your nearest User Group meeting, and having a heated discussion with your friends Gary, Bob and Bob about what future Macs might be like?

(And how you and Bob would disagree, and at the end of the evening neither of you had given way on the argument, so you said to Bob: “I’ll write you a letter to spell out exactly what I mean,” and Bob said: “Hey even better, you can send me a message on my new FAX MACHINE!”, and you felt completely out-manouvered?)

Ballistickcoffeeboy has a Flickr photostream stuffed to the brim with vintage Mac stuff. Adverts, screenshots, product pics, photos of his own kit, you name it. Go dive in and wallow for a bit.

(Photo of “Start a personal relationship at the office” used under Creative Commons license, thanks to ballistikcoffeeboy.)

Over at Crave, Matt Hickey has published a little list of the technological things he wants to see fixed by ol’ Father Christmas.

And first among them, top of his list, is…

… wait for it …

Every time I say this, some people start getting all shirty and saying: “Yes it is! Steve matters!”

After my Don’t Panic post yesterday, there were similar comments, like this one: “Yeah, actually Steve Jobs health is our business. He made Apple, he revived Apple and he brought Apple to it’s current massive success. Steve Jobs IS Apple. Without him the company has a far smaller chance of survival.”

I completely disagree with this line of thinking, and here’s why:

Apple’s decision not to attend Macworld might mean any of the following:

• – Yeah, maybe Steve Jobs is really ill. It’s none of our business, though
• – Apple no longer wishes to indulge the trade show industry
• – Apple would rather present stuff on its own agenda, to its own timetable, when there is stuff ready to present. And if it wishes to hire a big room in which to do so, it will certainly have the money to do that
• – Apple would rather devote itself to WWDC
• – Perhaps, given the success of the iPhone, Apple would rather devote its energies to publicising and marketing the iPhone and the App Store

What Apple’s decision not to attend Macworld might NOT mean:

• – All of the above
• – Any other speculation you read elsewhere today

Meanwhile, keep injecting the rumor sites if that’s what grabs you. New Mac minis! Some kind of netbook! iPhones on skis! Yeah yeah yeah; it’s all just hot air and page impressions until Phil Schiller stands on that stage. And even after that, it’ll mostly be page impressions.