Forget The iPhone 5, Meet The iPhone Cinco [Humor]

Although all of Apple’s devices lately have been heaving with robust English numbers — the iPhone 4, the iPad 2 — Apple’s has never been afraid to pluck another language’s numerals if it sounded good. Who can forget Cupertino’s dabbling in Latin with the Apple II?

So who’s to say the iPhone 5 will be the iPhone Five? Such must have been the thinking behind Scoopertino’s latest gag, a press release announcing the iPhone Cinco, Apple’s latest and greatest device with a revolutionary snooze button and an incredible new Find My Sombrero app.

Here’s the “press release”:

Mexico City, Mexico — Is Apple running out of ways to make iPhone exciting?

“¡Hell no!” says Tim Cook.

The newly minted CEO plans to spice things up by giving all future iPhones an international “theme.”

It all starts on September 29th, when Cook goes south of the border to unveil iPhone cinco.

“We really want to honor these countries before we force our culture upon them,” says Cook.

In iPhone cinco, Mexican is more than skin deep. The most obvious change is the new Snooze button that sits alongside iPhone’s traditional Home button. Now you can literally snooze in the middle of any activity: email, browsing, games, music, movies and more. Just click Snooze and iPhone cinco will shut down, ignoring all input for the next two hours. (Snooze period is adjustable in Settings.)

Phil Schiller rehearses the unveiling of iPhone cinco in Mexico City

Find My Sombrero is a feature that will delight those of us who frequently misplace our head-wear.

iPhone cinco also breaks new ground by pulling back on key iPhone functions. Safari web pages, for example, now load a full 48% slower.

“We listen to our customers,” says Cook. “They think the world is moving too fast, so we’re just going to slow things down a bit.”

Some Apple critics are already flinging their darts. “What a bunch of hypocrites,” says one analyst, who requested anonymity for this article. “They make an all-Mexican iPhone, but they’re still building it in China. ¿Por qué?”

To be fair, Apple actually did build a factory in Tijuana, but ran into opposition from Mexico’s government. Too many unemployed Americans were sneaking across the border to take jobs meant for Mexicans.

As a compromise, Apple continues to manufacture iPhones in China, but encourages assembly line workers to dress Mexican-style during work hours.

What country will become the theme for iPhone 6? According to our source, Cook has his heart set on Liechtenstein — but you can never count out Kyrgyzstan.

Muy gracioso!

John Brownlee

John Brownlee is a writer for Fast Company, and a contributing writer here at CoM. He has also written for Wired, Playboy, Boing Boing, Popular Mechanics, VentureBeat, and Gizmodo. He lives in Boston with his wife and two parakeets. You can follow him here on Twitter.