Bill Graham Civic hosted Apple’s biggest hyperbole-fest ever

By

The iPhone 6s Plus might be hard to find on launch day.
All Apple's saying is that the iPhone 6s will be the most amazing, dynamic, life-changing thing you've ever seen.
Photo: Apple

We get that yesterday’s Apple event was a marketing thing, which is why every presentation began with whoever was onstage telling us how “thrilled,” “excited” or “really happy” they were to be there. And the exaggeration just continued from those intros.

Here are some of the most outlandish and enthusiastically subjective lines that came from the stage at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. We’ve organized them by speaker so you can see who “won” this verbal arms race of canned excitement.

Jony Ive

“With its carefully engineered technology working with our most advanced Multi-Touch display, it delivers something extraordinary: precision that actually gives you the ability to touch a single pixel.”

This line came from the above video, which introduced the Apple Pencil stylus for the iPad Pro, which makes it an Inception-style plug within a plug.

We aren’t saying the new tablet and its accessory don’t look really cool and impressive, but here’s the thing about pixels: They’ve been getting smaller over time. So when Ive promises that we’ll be able to touch one, I think back about the huge, blocky graphics from old Atari games like Combat and just shrug.

Granted, the iPad Pro’s 5.6 million pixels are much smaller than that, and really all the video is saying is that you’ll be able to draw really detailed and intricate things with the new Apple gear. But I highly doubt that “touching a pixel” is on anyone’s “must-have for tech” list, so this boast fell flat for me.

Jen Folse

“Each slow-motion shot reveals the scene in a way that is truly captivating.”

Folse was showing off the new Apple TV and its screen savers, which feature high-resolution videos. Nobody wants a boring screen saver, I guess, but Apple was ostensibly announcing that it had invented The Scenery Channel from Back to the Future, Part II. And if the thing that’s supposed to keep images from burning into your screen has you entranced, I kind of wonder why you even need TV for entertainment.

Craig Federighi

“If I want to go back to the previous app, in a single gesture, I can just swipe across between apps. It’s totally epic.”

Craig Federighi was telling us about how 3D Touch will work with multitasking on the iPhone 6s and misappropriating the word “epic.”

Apple’s charismatic senior vice president of software engineering could have said pretty much any other positive word there, and we wouldn’t have noticed because this feature is really elegant, convenient and cool. It may even be awesome, if you stretch the definition of that adjective. But here’s a test: If playing composer Carl Orff’s O Fortuna under something makes it funnier instead of more awesome, it doesn’t qualify as epic.

The screen

“The only thing that’s changed is everything.”

Mostly, the screen behind the presenters just gave us a look at what they were doing or outlined their talking points so we could follow along and refer to them later. But the new iPhone 6s/6s Plus slogan — “The only thing that’s changed is everything” — just lurked back there being all weird.

Nobody uttered these words aloud; if they had, a wormhole might have opened up.

Phil Schiller

Throughout the event, the presentations by Apple’s senior vice president of worldwide marketing felt like someone beating us in the face with the PR Guidebook. He was probably the most casually bombastic person onstage all day, which is probably part of how he got the job.

He had so many incredible lines that we’re just going to list them here so you can drink them in.

Apple Phil Schiller
Phil Schiller’s name is kind of a pun, too, isn’t it?

“[The iPad is] a magical piece of glass that you hold in your hands.”

“Perhaps the most profound feature iPhone has ever brought to the world is Multi-Touch.”

“This is unlike any experience you’ve ever seen in a smartphone.”

“A beautiful experience unlike any other way of interacting with photos…. These are still photos; they are not videos.”

Let’s look at that last one for a minute. Schiller was talking about the iPhone 6s’ Live Photos feature, which records a second and a half on either side of every snapshot to capture the moment in which you took them. You’ll be able to see the contextual snippet using 3D Touch.

Schiller’s quotation is an example of skilled marketing and controlling the message. Because these are videos, and the still images at their centers are thumbnails. Live Photos are half the length of a Vine, and Apple is focusing more on the still than the bits surrounding it, but Live Photos are, in fact, videos. We don’t know what counts as a video otherwise.

Tim Cook

Like Steve Jobs before him, Apple chief Tim Cook saved all the boldest statements for himself. That’s fine; it’s his job to get people excited and ready to buy things, and he succeeded. But here are some of his greatest hits:

“Today, we have the biggest news in iPad since the iPad.”

“This is the new Apple TV, and we believe it is the future of television.”

“iPhone 6 is the most popular iPhone ever. In fact, these are the most popular phones in the world. But more important to us, they are the most loved phones in the world, with customer satisfaction literally off the charts and far above any other phone.”

Tim Cook, I am applauding you.

Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know in the comments.

Deals of the Day

11 responses to “Bill Graham Civic hosted Apple’s biggest hyperbole-fest ever”

  1. pjs_boston says:

    Apple’s product announcements were the culmination of years of hard work. They had a right to slap themselves on the back a bit.

    Apple has single handedly upped the ante for the entire tech industry over the past two decades. Every other company is frantically scurrying just to keep up with the pace of Apple innovation.

    As consumers, we’ve all been completely spoiled by the magic rabbits that Apple has continuously pulled out of their hat every year for the past 18 years.

    Personally, I think that the number and impact of this year’s Apple’s new product announcements were pretty astounding. This, especially since Apple didn’t bother to include any the upcoming Mac products in the keynote.

    One wonders if there will be a Mac only event later in the fall. Or, are new Macs are now relegated to press release status…

    • CelestialTerrestrial says:

      I think they’ll make a Mac event when there is a big difference. They did the 5K iMac, because it was a big difference. They did the MacBook because it was a new product. The MacPro had an announcement at an event because it was a big product release. If it’s just an upgrade to a pre-existing model, then it’s not really that big of an announcement, but some updates are. It all depends on the level of advancement.

      Technologies they probably think are a big deal.

      1. New display technology
      2. A radically different product design.
      3. A new type of I/O like Thunderbolt 3
      4. A radically new processor.

      PCs have been kind of stagnant because they pretty follow the same model and it’s pretty predictable, until there is something drastically different which doesn’t happen as often as the mobile space since that’s where most of the development money is going.

      I’m still waiting for them to come up with a high end i7 headless unit to go after the prosumer market because that’s a market that Apple has been ignoring in terms of a headless unit. They have a gap in between the Mac Mini and the MacPro. I think Apple might be better to take out the entry level MacPros and favor a high end headless i7 instead, because most people that buy a Mac Pro are buying the higher end models. At least that’s what I have read. I see a LOT of people putting OS X on a higher end i7 PC with these Hackintosh systems because they can throw together a very fast computer for $2000, which is that sweet spot between the MacMini and MacPro level.

      • pjs_boston says:

        This year they’re bringing out a 21.5″ Retina iMac with a 4K display. Not sure if that’s enough. If the 12″ MacBook gets a Skylake processor for Christmas as well, that would be enough, IMO…

    • TrickyDickie says:

      Look, I know this is a pro-Apple site, but you are delusional.

  2. Len Williams says:

    Evan, I get the idea that you’d have a problem if I called a bright, beautiful day with pleasant weather “terrific”. Do you have a problem with people being enthusiastic about their achievements? Sure, a lot of superlatives were used, but I don’t think the vast majority were out of place or egregiously over the top. I’ve met a few people who have a hard time dealing with excitement in others, who instantly believe that any enthusiasm is all fake and pretense, and who are scathing in their condemnation as a result. However, joy, satisfaction and pleasure as a result of hard work and intense creative activity are THE rewards that make life worth living.

    • UZ says:

      Mmm, see, thats where people differ. I have become more and more disgruntled with the Apple Marketing talk, even on their website. It’s starting to sound a lot like infomercials, and unfortunately, in my mind, like bullsh*t. See, I definitely don’t talk like that, I don’t even refer to weather as terrific. But I guess there is still a market out there to whom this sort of talk appeals, and would even drive them to purchase.

  3. cr says:

    Evan Killham —- YOU BIG LAMO – why are you here writing – get over it – this type of bull turd regurgitation goes way back with jacks like you (nobodies) have been saying this bull for 20 years about apple presentations – at least if you write think about something new to write about – jeeze3 – but please stop and go drive for Uber or something!

  4. Aannddyy says:

    Here, I have rewritten the Apple Event script so you won’t be bothered with all the creative marketing…

    “We are here to expose the media to new iterations of some of the products Apple produces. This statement is factual. Here are the new specifications for the new products being presented today in a black and white text only slide show. Thanks to you for attending this event, you may now exit the building and please consider purchasing an Apple product in the future. ”

    There, how’s that?

  5. Are you writing in the section of CultofMac or CultofAndroid ? Just go through any other presentation in tech industry and you will get the entertainment you want.

  6. maria_cundif says:

    I need to show excellent~ online freelancing opportunity… 3 to 5 h of work /a day… Weekly paycheck… Extra bonus for job well done…Earnings of $6k-$9k /for month… Just few h of spare time, a pc, elementary knowledge of internet and dependable internet-connection needed…Click on my disqus~~~~page to learn more

  7. Goos says:

    The battery is even smaller then 6’s, at 1710 mAh, compared with 1815 mAh.
    The battery life will be lousy.
    And they want us to pay 750 euros for a 16 GB of storage and a lousy battery life ?
    Seriously, Apple, you think you can brainwash everybody forever ?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *