5 things to do with your obsolete Apple TV

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It isn't going to control itself. Well, not before The Singularity, anyway.
Even with an improved Apple TV coming this fall, your current set-top box won't be totally useless.
Photo: Apple

Editor’s note: This is a humor piece. If you are looking for legitimate uses for your old Apple TV, you might want to read this article instead: “9 practical uses for your obsolete Apple TV.”

All rumors and speculation point to a brand new model of the Apple TV – and it’s about time. It should be complete with better hardware and finally its own App Store.

You might be hoping for a software update that will bring the App Store to your current Apple TV, but it’s not likely. Apple could pretty easily claim that older models don’t have the hardware to support it. You’re probably thinking your current set-top box will soon be totally obsolete, but if that’s your mentality, fear not. Here are five things you can do with your Apple TV when it becomes old news in September.

1. Use it as a bookend

bookend
Your Apple TV can hold up books with ease.
Photo: Ben Babcock/Flickr CC

Don’t you hate when the pesky books on your shelf won’t stay up? You don’t have enough books to fill the gap in your bookcase and you definitely don’t want to run out to spend money on a proper bookend. So just use your obsolete Apple TV. You know you’re going to cave and buy the new one with better hardware anyway, so the old model makes a terrific bookend. Place it flat next to the books – even on its side or at an angle. Never worry about your books toppling over again.

2. Play some killer street hockey

hockey
Apple TV makes a terrific hockey puck.
Photo: Michael Beck/Flickr CC

One design flaw of the Apple TV is its rubberized bottom. It stays firm on tabletops, but Apple didn’t even consider the possibility of customers wanting to use it as a hockey puck. Fortunately, Cult of Mac has a workaround for you: flip it upside down and strike away at it. You may not be able to brag about owning an Apple-branded hockey puck while the logo is facing the ground, but it’s a small price to pay for a friendly game of hockey with kids on the block.

3. Organize the largest line of dominoes ever

dominoes
Collaborate with other Apple TV customers to set new records.
Photo: Martin Fisch/Flickr CC

Tens of millions of Apple TVs prior to the new one in September have already been sold – much more than the record 4.3 million line of dominoes toppled in the Netherlands. Start an online forum to hunt down fellow customers and organize a meet-up and bring your Apple TVs. Topple them like dominoes in an extremely long line and get creative. I bet you never thought your Apple TV would help you set a world record.

4. Fix your wobbly chair

chair
Revolutionary seating.
Photo: Quinn Dombrowski/Flickr CC

Everyone has a slightly broken or wobbly chair with legs that don’t all reach the floor. No one should have to live life like that and thanks to the Apple TV, you don’t have to. Slip your $69 entertainment device underneath the wobbly leg of your chair to stabilize it for good. Encourage your house guests to write in to Apple praising the Apple TV for saving a potentially inadequate dining experience.

5. Sell it for food

produce
The current-gen Apple TV is lacking in essential vitamins and nutrients.
Photo: Rolando Mendez/Flickr CC

The iPad Pro is probably debuting this fall along with other refreshed iPad models. The successors to the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus should hit shelves this September. The Apple TV with new hardware and an App Store will make its first appearance. Bottom line: you have a lot of expensive purchases to make this fall. If you don’t play hockey or read books, you might want to sell your current Apple TV in exchange for groceries. You’ll be much happier streaming Netflix with popcorn and a soda.