5 fun iPhone games that won’t spam, scam or screw you

So many games on the App Store are thinly veiled vessels for sucking away your money through in-app purchases, a problem that Apple is both the cause of and solution to. Today, I’m going to give you my five favorite non-spammy games for iPhone. They’re all highly addictive time-killers.

All of these games are devoid of manipulative game mechanics, pay-to-win schemes and scummy in-app purchases. They’re all free, included in a $4.99-a-month Apple Arcade subscription, or very cheap to buy. I don’t make a lot of time to play video games, so I’m certainly not going to waste time on a game that doesn’t respect me as a player.

5 fun iPhone games

You can watch a video with gameplay for all of these here:

No. 1: Zookeeper DX

Zookeeper DX is a simple line-up-three-in-a-row arcade game. You swap animal tiles around to make a match of three (or more!) in a row to score points and give yourself slightly more time. With every level up, the timer falls faster and faster.

It’s a well-trodden genre, but in my opinion, Zookeeper DX is the cream of the crop. The graphic design looks exquisite, and you can bask in the delightful music and sound design. This is the one game I’m compelled to unmute my phone to hear when I don’t have headphones on.

Buy once, own Zookeeper DX forever, with no in-app purchases, for only 99 cents on the App Store. It’s best played on an iPhone, but you can also play it on a Mac with a trackpad or mouse if you hate yourself.

My pro tips:

• Look for matches at the bottom of the board and go up from there.
• You can keep swiping on the board even as other tiles shift around.
• Occasionally, you get a special piece that you can tap on to instantly clear all tiles of a particular type. If you line up three special pieces in a row, you get 1 million points. I have never had this happen despite actively trying to set this up for many months.

My high score (Tokoton): 562,750

No. 2: What the Golf?

What the Golf? is a game made for people who don’t like golf. Every level is designed to surprise and delight you. It very quickly devolves into total nonsense — “golfing” with furniture and cars, in outer space, etc.

Some levels are themed to parody other video games, like Portal, Superhot and Among Us. Even if you’re not familiar with those, What the Golf? does a decent job of naturally teaching you the unique mechanics of each course.

My pro tip: Make liberal use of the slow-motion feature when you hold your finger on the screen.

Get What the Golf? with a subscription to Apple Arcade. It plays on all your Apple devices, but it’s best on the iPhone and iPad.

No. 3: Asphalt 8: Airborne

Asphalt 8: Airborne is a racing game that doesn’t take itself super-seriously (although, immediately following What the Golf?, it’ll feel deeply rooted in reality). The more you race, the more cars and races you unlock. It’s all real-world cars, and mostly real-world locations.

The game controls are simple — you automatically accelerate, so you don’t need to keep your finger on a button. Hold a finger down as you turn to drift. If, like me, you’re used to the drifting mechanics of Mario Kart 64, it’ll take some practice before you’re a real pro.

My pro tips (that are actually basic features of the game, albeit ones that aren’t clearly explained):

• You get three stars for finishing a race in first place, and an additional two stars for completing the race-specific challenges that briefly appear on screen before the race starts.
• Drive off a ramp while you’re drifting to do a horizontal flip.
• Knocking down other cars gives you a nitro boost.

My actual pro tip: Save up and buy the Donkervoort D8 GTO and the Ferrari F40 cars as soon as you can. I think they offer the best balance of speed and value to blast through the early levels.

I recommend Asphalt 8: Airborne+, the version included with Apple Arcade, as it’s been remade without any in-app purchases. However, there’s a free version on the App Store as well. You can play it on iPhone, but it might be best enjoyed on a Mac.

No. 4: Sleep Patrol Alpha and Space Crab 2

Both Sleep Patrol Alpha and Space Crab 2 fall into the so-bad-it’s-good category. They look and play like Flash games from 2006, a la Taxi Gone Wild and Cubefield. Inject it directly into my veins.

Sleep Patrol Alpha is a game where you play as a sheep running through a platformer level. Add more sheep to your herd to get more and more points for every fence you jump over.

Space Crab 2 is a simple arcade game where you play as a crab on a tiny little planet. You scuttle left and right, tapping the screen to toggle direction. You avoid falling asteroids and satellites while collecting coins that you can use to purchase different crabs.

Objectively, these are not good games. They’re very clearly passion projects that one or two friends churned out and published in a few weeks of free time. However, both games ooze fun, creativity and heart — even if they don’t deliver quality or polish.

Get Sleep Patrol Alpha and Space Crab 2 for free on the App Store.

No. 5: Arial Attack

Arial Attack is a game for Mac fans old enough to still be mad at Microsoft for being too cheap to license Helvetica, instead creating its own ugly imitation of the classic font to bundle with Windows.

In Arial Attack, you learn to spot the difference between Helvetica and it’s cheap knockoff, Arial. You tap the screen to destroy words written in Arial and let Helvetica pass through. If they look the same to you, don’t worry — before every round, the game will show you a clue highlighting a difference between the two fonts.

My pro tip: At the end of the tutorial, it shows you two full-screen samples of both fonts. Take a screenshot of both and swipe between them in the Photos app. Scrub your finger along the photo strip at the bottom so you can see a direct comparison without the swipe animation.

Get Arial Attack for free on the App Store.

One more thing: Warren Buffett’s Paper Wizard

Apple doesn’t publish a lot of games. Off the top of my head, there was a game Apple called Puzzle made for the original Macintosh and Texas Hold’em for iPhone. But apparently, if you’re the richest $AAPL stockholder, and you’re good enough friends with Apple CEO Tim Cook, he’ll throw a team of interns together to make a bespoke game just for you.

Warren Buffett’s Paper Wizard is a perfectly ordinary arcade-style iPhone game where you deliver newspapers on a paper route. You pull and release your finger to aim and throw, in a mechanic similar to Angry Birds. You go through Omaha, Nebraska, (Buffett’s hometown) and Cupertino, California, (Apple’s headquarters).

It is literally impossible to beat Warren Buffett’s high score.

The details of the game itself are kind of irrelevant — it’s just weird that Apple made and published a game specifically for Warren Buffett. This was years ago, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

This game isn’t listed on the App Store anymore, but you can download it again if you previously purchased it.