Meanwhile At Apple HQ, Jonathan Ive Has Found This On Etsy [Humor]

You can. But does that mean you should?

Cult of Mac Presents… “Jonny Ive And The Vinyl Wood Sticker.” A humorous play in one part by Mr. Giles Turnbull.

INT.DAY.

(Jonathan Ive’s secret underground lair. Prototype Apple products litter the desks – an iPhone 5, an iPhone 6, and an iPhone 7. Versions 3, 4 and 5 of the iPad. An iPad mini. An iPhone Pro. A MacPro nano. An AppleTV that’s actually a TV. A bunch of other things that don’t even have names yet. Most of these products are partly disassembled, with wires and circuit boards hanging out at odd angles. Between them are soldering irons, bits of wire, aluminum and duct tape.)

(Standing amid all the chaos, with shirtsleeves rolled up, a pencil behind his ear, and eye protectors pushed up on top of his head, is Jonathan Ive. He’s peering at the screen of a MacBook Air and frowning. He picks up the phone.)

IVE: Get me the Design Abuse Team. Now!

(He hangs up. Seconds tick by. Ive closes his eyes and breathes heavily.)

(The door bursts open an in come a bunch of heavies, dressed in their uniform of black roll-necks, blue jeans and white trainers.)

HEAVY 1: What’s up boss?

IVE: Look at this. Just look at this!

(He points at the MacBook Air screen. The heavies crowd around to look. There are gasps.)

IVE: Wood effect vinyl stickers! On my lovely metal! (His voice lowers to a scratched whisper) How could they? How dare they?

HEAVY 1: Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.

IVE: I know. (Buries his face in his hands.) I know.

HEAVY 2: We’ll deal with it boss. (Punches his fist into the opposite palm.)

HEAVY 3: I dunno, I quite like it.

(Everyone slowly turns to stare at him. A vein in Ive’s temple begins to twitch.)

IVE (whispering): What. Did. You. Say?

HEAVY 3 (turning red): I… err… quite like it. It reminds me of home. (Looks wistfully into the distance.) My dad had wood panels like that in his car. It felt cosy in there. Warm.

(Heavy 3 bends closer to the MacBook Air and starts tapping on the trackpad. Ive’s eyes bulge outwards.)

HEAVY 3: Look, it’s only 12 dollars on Etsy. And every one has a different grain, just like real wood. Makes your keyboard stand out from the rest a bit, doesn’t it?

(Ive explodes.)

IVE: Get him out! Out!

(The other heavies grab Heavy 3 and drag him towards the door.)

HEAVY 3: Wait! I’m just expressing an opinion! You can’t do this!

(Ive addresses Heavy 1.)

IVE: Deal with this problem for me. (He winks.) You know what to do.

HEAVY 1 (looking a bit uncomfortable): Yes boss.

HEAVY 3 (screaming): Whatever happened to Think Different??

IVE: Oh, and one more thing…

HEAVY 1: Yes boss?

IVE: Make it look like an accident.

FADE TO BLACK

  • jjlharrison

    A justified end.

  • Mangy Mutt

    Somewhere in Redmond, a designer is reading this play and thinking, “hmmm … this woodgrain thing could finally give us the edge against Apple we’ve been searching for lo these many years …”

  • S3oijio

    ?????

  • bsoudi

    If only Ive got that mad at the leather look at the top of iCal.

  • Chris

    GREAT!

  • JW.

    Nice – where do I get me one of those stickers? Wonder if they come with ones for the MacPro? :-P

  • H Sterling Cross
  • sleepl3ss

    Nice. Totally agree with Jonny :)

  • charlie edwards

    Oh I hope they cast Johnny Depp as Jonathan Ive for the theatrical version. 

About the author

Giles TurnbullGiles Turnbull is a freelance writer in England. He also writes for the Press Association and The Morning News. You can find out more at his website, and follow him on Twitter @gilest.

(sorry, you need Javascript to see this e-mail address)| Read more posts by .

Posted in News | Tagged: , , , , |