Cult of Mac Presents… “Jonny Ive And The Vinyl Wood Sticker.” A humorous play in one part by Mr. Giles Turnbull.
(Jonathan Ive’s secret underground lair. Prototype Apple products litter the desks – an iPhone 5, an iPhone 6, and an iPhone 7. Versions 3, 4 and 5 of the iPad. An iPad mini. An iPhone Pro. A MacPro nano. An AppleTV that’s actually a TV. A bunch of other things that don’t even have names yet. Most of these products are partly disassembled, with wires and circuit boards hanging out at odd angles. Between them are soldering irons, bits of wire, aluminum and duct tape.)
(Standing amid all the chaos, with shirtsleeves rolled up, a pencil behind his ear, and eye protectors pushed up on top of his head, is Jonathan Ive. He’s peering at the screen of a MacBook Air and frowning. He picks up the phone.)
IVE: Get me the Design Abuse Team. Now!
(He hangs up. Seconds tick by. Ive closes his eyes and breathes heavily.)
(The door bursts open an in come a bunch of heavies, dressed in their uniform of black roll-necks, blue jeans and white trainers.)
HEAVY 1: What’s up boss?
IVE: Look at this. Just look at this!
(He points at the MacBook Air screen. The heavies crowd around to look. There are gasps.)
IVE: Wood effect vinyl stickers! On my lovely metal! (His voice lowers to a scratched whisper) How could they? How dare they?
HEAVY 1: Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.
IVE: I know. (Buries his face in his hands.) I know.
HEAVY 2: We’ll deal with it boss. (Punches his fist into the opposite palm.)
HEAVY 3: I dunno, I quite like it.
(Everyone slowly turns to stare at him. A vein in Ive’s temple begins to twitch.)
IVE (whispering): What. Did. You. Say?
HEAVY 3 (turning red): I… err… quite like it. It reminds me of home. (Looks wistfully into the distance.) My dad had wood panels like that in his car. It felt cosy in there. Warm.
(Heavy 3 bends closer to the MacBook Air and starts tapping on the trackpad. Ive’s eyes bulge outwards.)
HEAVY 3: Look, it’s only 12 dollars on Etsy. And every one has a different grain, just like real wood. Makes your keyboard stand out from the rest a bit, doesn’t it?
IVE: Get him out! Out!
(The other heavies grab Heavy 3 and drag him towards the door.)
HEAVY 3: Wait! I’m just expressing an opinion! You can’t do this!
(Ive addresses Heavy 1.)
IVE: Deal with this problem for me. (He winks.) You know what to do.
HEAVY 1 (looking a bit uncomfortable): Yes boss.
HEAVY 3 (screaming): Whatever happened to Think Different??
IVE: Oh, and one more thing…
HEAVY 1: Yes boss?
IVE: Make it look like an accident.
FADE TO BLACK