Devilishly bonkers new game Saints Row: Gat out of Hell features a final boss fight against the Prince of Darkness himself. That’s pretty satisfying, despite the fact that this version of Satan possesses a beautiful singing voice.
But not all video-game devils have redeeming qualities. Here are four demonic bad guys so devious, difficult and/or annoying that it’s not enough to defeat them in the game — you will wish you could rip them out of your screen and smack them until they can’t damn straight.
Fleming — Shadows of the Damned
The incongruously named villain in this twisted version of the tale of Orpheus looks pretty cool. He has that whole “three skulls for a head” thing going on, you know. But that impression goes away the moment Fleming opens his mouth.
This insane game has demon-slayer Garcia Hotspur traveling into hell to rescue his kidnapped girlfriend, and he does so in part with a large handgun that he calls “The Boner.” It actually fires bones, but we know what they did there. It has two upgraded versions: The Hot Boner, which shoots a “sticky payload,” and the Big Boner, which is so massive Garcia must hold it up against his crotch to properly support it. No, really.
My point is that Shadows of the Damned’s sense of humor is a bit crass at times, although it’s usually pretty funny in an embarrassing kind of way. But when you’re fighting Fleming at the beginning of the game, the Demon Lord makes comments about Garcia’s bullets having “no … penetration” and telling the hero that he “needs more thrust.”
It gets old fast, and when I finally had my chance to kill this jackass, I was all about it.
Son of Satan — Ghosts ‘n Goblins series
The Sons of Satan appear in Capcom’s notoriously difficult platformers Ghosts ‘n Goblins, Ghouls ‘n Ghosts and Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Across those three games, we watch them grow from children to teenagers to adults. But they establish some bad habits early on that persist throughout the rest of their stupid, annoying lives.
Specifically, I’m talking about the fact that they are nearly impossible to hit with most weapons in the game.
It’s not because they’re tough; they just have a very un-weapon-friendly attack pattern that gets you jumping all over the place like an idiot while they nimbly dodge through the air, descending only to mock you. Sometimes, they’ll land on the ground for a few seconds, and their walk animation looks like a taunting dance that only makes you hate them more. If you decide to just eff off and run, they’ll chase you through the level until one of you dies — because Satan didn’t raise quitters.
Lost Souls — Doom 3
The floating fire-heads known as Lost Souls have existed since the beginning of the Doom series, but they achieved record levels of assholery (though they clearly lack that body part) in the third game, where their favorite thing to do is to come screaming out of the darkness while you try to navigate a series of tricky jumps.
You have so little room for error in this segment that you must devote all of your attention to making it to the next platform. You also must devote all of your attention to making sure one of these stupid things doesn’t bump you over the side, and who has that much attention?
Nobody. That’s who.
Lost Souls also earn bonus points for being not much more than faces, so that’s basically the only place you can hit them. So congratulations, frustrated gamer. You did it.
Alcohol Demon — Condemned 2: Bloodshot
In Condemned 2: Bloodshot, hero Ethan Thomas fights a lot of bad spirits, crazy bums and straight-up demons. But none is more persistent than the Alcohol Demon, who is always hanging around and being creepy — and also represents Thomas’ dependence on The Sauce.
One of Bloodshot’s interesting gameplay mechanics arises from the main character’s alcoholism. If you go to fire a gun and haven’t had a drink in a while, your aim will be uncertain because of “the shakes.” Power one down, and your hand steadies. This is the case for the first eight levels of the game — until you actually conquer the affliction by fighting the Alcohol Demon in hand-to-hand combat like that awesome junkyard scene in Superman III.
You win the fight by literally punching Ethan’s alcoholism to death, and you no longer need the booze to shoot straight. It’s pretty great, and it all comes from the only opportunity in this roundup to actually punch an annoying demon in the face. Enjoy the hell out of it.
