“Dear Apple Community,”
“For the first time in a decade, I’m getting to spend the holiday season with my family, rather than intensely preparing for a Macworld keynote.
“Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.”
→ You journalists are assholes too.
“I’ve decided to share something very personal with the Apple community so that we can all relax and enjoy the show tomorrow.”
→ I want all of you to SHUT THE HELL UP.
“As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.”
→ None of this would have been an issue if you idiots hadn’t made it into one. But you did, and the share price tanked, and now I’m getting hassled about it from all sides. And I’m not even that sick, dammit.
“Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause–a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.”
→ I said I’M NOT EVEN THAT SICK. Do you people even listen to a word I say? I swear, sometimes this Reality Distortion Field is more hassle than it’s worth.
“The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.”
→ I. AM. STILL. IN. CHARGE.
“I have given more than my all to Apple for the past 11 years now. I will be the first one to step up and tell our Board of Directors if I can no longer continue to fulfill my duties as Apple’s CEO.”
→ When I’m dying, I’ll let you know.
“I hope the Apple community will support me in my recovery and know that I will always put what is best for Apple first.”
→ This is my company, I’ll do it MY WAY.
“So now I’ve said more than I wanted to say, and all that I am going to say, about this.”
→ Bloggers and journalists: go screw yourselves. When you’re right, you’re obnoxious. But you’re always wrong. Apple customers: listen to what Phil says tomorrow, then go buy more stuff from the Apple Stores we have lovingly created for you all over the world.
(Photo: CC license from whatcounts.)