Or, To Put It Another Way

By

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“Dear Apple Community,”

Dear asshole bloggers,

“For the first time in a decade, I’m getting to spend the holiday season with my family, rather than intensely preparing for a Macworld keynote.

“Unfortunately, my decision to have Phil deliver the Macworld keynote set off another flurry of rumors about my health, with some even publishing stories of me on my deathbed.”

→ You journalists are assholes too.

“I’ve decided to share something very personal with the Apple community so that we can all relax and enjoy the show tomorrow.”

→ I want all of you to SHUT THE HELL UP.

“As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.”

→ None of this would have been an issue if you idiots hadn’t made it into one. But you did, and the share price tanked, and now I’m getting hassled about it from all sides. And I’m not even that sick, dammit.

“Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause–a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.”

→ I said I’M NOT EVEN THAT SICK. Do you people even listen to a word I say? I swear, sometimes this Reality Distortion Field is more hassle than it’s worth.

“The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.”

→ I. AM. STILL. IN. CHARGE.

“I have given more than my all to Apple for the past 11 years now. I will be the first one to step up and tell our Board of Directors if I can no longer continue to fulfill my duties as Apple’s CEO.”

→ When I’m dying, I’ll let you know.

“I hope the Apple community will support me in my recovery and know that I will always put what is best for Apple first.”

→ This is my company, I’ll do it MY WAY.

“So now I’ve said more than I wanted to say, and all that I am going to say, about this.”

→ Bloggers and journalists: go screw yourselves. When you’re right, you’re obnoxious. But you’re always wrong. Apple customers: listen to what Phil says tomorrow, then go buy more stuff from the Apple Stores we have lovingly created for you all over the world.

(Photo: CC license from whatcounts.)

37 responses to “Or, To Put It Another Way”

  1. theone says:

    well said and true you do over react……asshole

  2. Dustin says:

    True dat!

    Go Steve!

    GO ME!

  3. Captain Snicklefret says:

    A nice Monday pick-up…

  4. PH says:

    → Sell your AAPL because it has a key person dependency and has not been forthright about that key person’s health.

    → No one said anything about the cause of this possible “hormone imbalance”, which means there is a fundamental illness still not discovered or disclosed

    → Steve keeps his health secret from AAPL’s board, just like AAPL keeps what they know of his health secret from its shareholders (for as long as it can)

    → This letter exists so that when Steve is no longer able to serve because of health problems, this can be pointed to by AAPL and Steve in defense of any lawsuits, as evidence that “we told you all we could all along, and it’s your fault you didn’t read between the lines and sell.”

  5. Ralph Greenberg says:

    When I look at the pictures of Steve Jobs, I see myself 20 years ago. Then They discovered I had Celiac.
    Today they have a simple quick blood test. You have it or you don’t. If you do…in 90 days on a simple diet you will have dramatic improvement
    It is so prevelent, that Alltop has a section on it.
    We need you, your family needs you… Steve get well

  6. Eye says:

    I think Apple shareholders would have a right to see Steve’s medical records. This sounds bogus.

  7. Ugh you People says:

    Its Just computers, waht wrong with you poeple.

    do you think a man who’s had a near death experience is gonna keep fucking around worrying about the green. Its his legacy. Oh the board the baord the stock holders BORRING.

    “→ Sell your AAPL because it has a key person dependency and has not been forthright about that key person’s health.” “what ever dude you kissed a guy.” Something called the 5th is still in play ain’t it.

    Oh yeah windows is shite. So take your cluttered egos and shove it

  8. digihead says:

    True. bloggers and journalists ARE assholes!

  9. maloy says:

    AWESOME!! Got a good laugh! thx!

  10. CP says:

    No, “Eye”, us Apple shareholders have no right to Steve’s private medical records. This whole thing has gotten beyond absurd. If you’re so fixated on one individual and you believe the company can’t move forward and operate day-to-day without him, then sell your stock and be done with it. I’m sick and tired of these rumors and chit-chat which always seem to end with some jackrabbit suggesting Steve “owes” the shareholders something…usually access to private records or something which no other CEO in his right mind would allow, whether legally obligated to do it or not. Steve’s given his all to Apple over the last decade and made a hell of a consumer electronics company. And he’ll ride out on his schedule, not yours, or mine.

  11. CP says:

    No, “Eye”, us Apple shareholders have no right to Steve’s private medical records. This whole thing has gotten beyond absurd. If you’re so fixated on one individual and you believe the company can’t move forward and operate day-to-day without him, then sell your stock and be done with it. I’m sick and tired of these rumors and chit-chat which always seem to end with some jackrabbit suggesting Steve “owes” the shareholders something…usually access to private records or something which no other CEO in his right mind would allow, whether legally obligated to do it or not. Steve’s given his all to Apple over the last decade and made a hell of a consumer electronics company. And he’ll ride out on his schedule, not yours, or mine.

  12. Cam says:

    As long as Apple keeps creating great products, you can be whoever you like Steve, regardless of your health.

    Get well soon.

  13. Helio says:

    The body tends to fail as we grow old; for some people, this will mean some form of hormonal “imbalance”, for lack of a clearer term. It’s that simple.

    I’m a bit amused when people argue that Steve not willing to openly discuss his health translates to Apple not being honest to shareholders – as if companies all over the marketplace don’t routinely hide much more sensitive information from the public.

    Besides, I dispute this notion that Steve is Apple, and the company will be as good as bankrupt the day he steps down. Sure, today he is Apple’s most important contributor of product designs, but then again so was Thomas Edson for General Electric, and even so GE was perfectly able to survive him.

  14. not an apple fanboy says:

    It’s ironic that this post is the proof that steve is right about asshole bloggers.

  15. CaryMG says:

    Everything PH said.

    So clear ….
    So *obvious* ….
    So true ….

    From what I understand, VERY unfortunately, he’s not even expected to make it to 2010.

    And yes — the “No Disclosure” lawsuits will be a-plenty.

    8^ ]

  16. John Craig says:

    I’m with Steve. Screw everyone. He likes making products. We like using his products. Everything else is none of our fucking business. I would hate being famous.

  17. Dizzle says:

    “Dear Apple Community” my left foot. Steve could give a flying fig about the community, and this latest move by Apple shows it. If they want to be the next Microsoft, they are going the right way. Maybe I had better get used to Penguins.

    I will be writing on this, but despite all the justifications given by many bloggers, I see this as nothing more than Apple giving the community the middle finger. And I am just as big of a sucker as everyone else and will probably take it, but right now, I am pretty irked at them. Pride comes before the fall. They are totally primed for some new scrappy company to come in and kick their ass if they aren’t careful.

  18. Dizzle says:

    If Apple doesn’t want Steve’s health to be anyone’s business, they should shut the hell up about it. Steve voluntarily wrote that letter. He called the NYT. HE is making it an issue. I could care less. I care that Apple has lied the whole year without technically “lying” – been handing around their own lawyers too long.

    I don’t trust a world that comes out of of their Public Lying Department.

  19. Sulfura says:

    I like the products and I absolutely love his keynotes… BUT seriously guys, his health problems are none of our business. So what if he’s sick or not? The only ones who should know about this is his family and nothing more. If he doesn’t want to tell, then just leave him alone. As someone put it before me “I would hate to be famous”. You people demand always more and don’t know when to stop (general PR, not only Steve-specific)