The Onion takes on the Apple car

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The mythological Apple car. It's actually supposed to look more like a minivan, according to reports. Photo: The Onion
The mythological Apple car. It's actually supposed to look more like a minivan, according to reports. Photo: The Onion

Nothing quite solidifies an Apple product’s significance in pop culture like The Onion’s take. America’s satirical publication of note has already decided to give us a glimpse at the rumored Apple car.

The mysterious automotive project that’s reportedly codenamed “Titan” will have the following features:

– Windshield features four times as many pixels as reality
– Full vertical integration with Apple Gasoline
– Driver prompted to sign into iCloud before each gear shift
– Compatible with most major roads
– Recommends new driving speeds based on user’s past favorites
– Sleek, unobtrusive airbags
– Cup holder

That’s about half of The Onion’s list, the rest of which you can find here.

What’s actually being reported about Apple’s car efforts is that the company has hundreds working on the project, including high-profile execs that have been poached by the likes of Tesla and Mercedes.

For a little retrospective, check out the site’s feature list for the Apple Watch, which includes, “Makes it easier for muggers to see whether or not you’re carrying an expensive electronic device.”

Another Onion video gem, “Apple Promises To Fix Glitches In Map Software By Rearranging Earth’s Geography:”