Parents, Please Stop Naming Your Babies After Apple Products



You got a brand new baby. Congratulations. Your baby is probably the greatest thing ever. It probably even smells like love. Being a parents is amazing. I mean, I don’t really know what it’s like, but I imagine it’s pretty cool to watch a little person come out of another person and then raise it into a full-grown human like yourself and teach it cool ninja moves and stuff.

Now that you have your new baby you’re probably struggling with a name for it. All the cool ones are probably taken, and it doesn’t help that Beyonce and Jay-Z are doing pompous shit like trademarking their baby’s name. But please, PLEASE, don’t even think about naming your baby after an Apple product.

“What? who would name their baby after an Apple product?” I guess a lot of people are doing it. Babycenter announced today that iBaby names are on the rise. Names like Siri, Mac, and Apple all rose in the Top Baby Name Rankings for 2012 which is the saddest thing I’ve read since Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman announced their divorce.

Do you really want your baby to be named after a personal digital assistant that can’t answer half the questions you throw at her? Even though she’s had romantic dates with Samuel L. Jackson and her best friend is Zooey Deschanel, that still doesn’t mean you’re going to want to associate a possible Apple failure with your child in the future.

Trust me on this guys, you don’t want to be the parent that subjects their child to horrendous amounts of torture just because you love the shit out of your Mac.  This kid is going to go to school one day and do you think I made it through elementary school without people teasing me “Buster Heine? Like Bust her hiney.” Get it?!”

Now just imagine all the kids hanging out in the sandbox asking your kid “Is it raining?” twenty thousand times and then throwing sand at them, or spitting on them. Or saying, “Siri find me an escort service pronto!”

People stopped naming their kids “O.J.” for a reason. I don’t really know how the kids are going to tease you iBaby, I just know it will happen and then you’re going to have to explain to them that it’s such an honor for the other kids to make fun of them because they have the coolest name ever. They were named after a computer, or a brand, or a fake person.

All I’m saying is that if you really must bestow your child with a name that reflects your love for technology, at least go all out and name them something cool, like Clippy.

  • Zod Buster

    Our society is sicker than I could have imagined…naming after a product..?? why not get a permanent apple logo tattooed on the kid’s forehead…

  • dcdevito

    Perhaps some folks are replacing “Junior” with “Mini” :p

  • RadTech5000

    This baby naming news is nothing new and nothing to get all worked up over. ;p

  • Martin Dobson

    So I can’t name mine Terminal?

  • aardman

    You know that Siri is a traditional Scandinavian girl’s name and not something made up by some corporate flack, right?

  • G_Star_Designs

    Siri is a common Norwegian name ( my x-girfriends name even, and the origin means “beautiful woman who leads you to victory”)

    Dag Kittlaus, the founder of the company that made “Siri” is also Norwegian :)

  • lukemul69

    A couple in the UK named their kid ‘hashtag’ a few days ago.

  • lwdesign1

    The name “Siri” has been around for decades prior to Apple’s use of it. A friend’s daughter who is now in her 20’s is named Siri. “Apple” is a name that was fairly common in the late 60s and 70s for children, especially girls, of hippie parents (along with Moon, Sunshine, River, Spring, Summer and other nature-based names). “Mac” may be the only valid name you selected, although it’s easily the short form of “Maclean” which is Scottish.

    What I object to Buster, is your increasing use of the term “shit” in your articles, when you could easily use some other less vulgar term. I’m surprised that Leander lets this get by. While street talk defines “…and shit” to mean “and other stuff or other things”, I still find it offensive in a journalistic publication. Let’s try not to devolve into ghetto talk in an effort to build street cred. It just doesn’t belong in this type of tech-talk site.