Dumb phones had a few advantages over today’s smartphones. First, their batteries lasted for what seemed like weeks between charges. And second, if the battery did die, all you lost was the ability to call and SMS people. You didn’t lose your e-mail, your camera, your iPod, the book you’re reading or the movie you were planning to watch on the train home.
So you carry a spare battery. But what if you could eliminate the need for that spare, and also ditch that creepy wrist-strengthener you insist on pumping all the time like some hyperactive pervert?
Good news! With the Mipwr Dynamo Case, you can do both.
The Mipwr is a bulky, fat iPhone cover with a built-in dynamo which you crank by squeezing on the handle, over and over and over. It works like one of those self-emptying ice-cream scoops, and will kill the muscles in your fingers and wrist just as fast as working in a beachside ice-cream concession near a kids summer camp.
The product is still pre-Kickstarter, which is just about as far as you can get from an actual sale-able product without it just being a dream you had one afternoon after a particularly drunken lunch. And that boozy midday meal might also account for the fact that someone thought that you’d be able to put a significant boost into a battery on finger-power alone.
Much better, I say, to head over to that same ice-cream concession during summer camp and set up a treadmill outside. Weary punters can buy a refreshing cone and relax in the shade while hyperactive kids, hopped up on sugar and whatever the hell else you put in your ice-cream mixture, can run on the treadmill like oversized hamsters in a wheel, generating enough power to charge even a Retina iPad.
In my scenario, everyone’s a winner. The kids get to eat ice-cream, yet avoid obesity. Passersby get their phones charged for free while they lick your creamy confections. The poor teenagers running the summer camp have an easy time getting their exhausted wards to sleep, and you get to sell gallons of delicious ice-cream. Yummy.