I might be a lapsed Englishman, but there’s something that can never be bred out of me wherever I dwell: my love of a nice cup of tea. Unfortunately, even the Brits are getting lax when it comes to brewing God’s favorite beverage , relying on teabags instead of loose leaves and even (the horror!) letting the water sit off the boil for whole minutes before pouring it into the pot (I have seen my own brother do this).
It’s enough to get George Orwell turning in his memory hole.
Luckily, there’s an app for that.
The apps is called Tea 2.0, and it’s as gorgeous as a freshly-brewed cup of cha, despite a few innacuracies. The big new feature in 2.0 is the Tea Encyclopedia, which will do what you expect, only with a lot of gloss. It contains maps, seasonal information and tasting notes as well as general info.
It also contains guidelines (or “recipes”) on making different kinds of tea, with times, water temperatures and measurements. I’ll just say that I disagree with the Earl Grey recipe: like any black tea, the tea-leaves should be in a pre-warmed pot and the water should still be boiling as it is poured over, not at 65˚C as the app suggests.
If you ever order tea in a restaurant and the waitron brings a cup of “hot” water and a bag on the side, you should throw it back in his/her face. Not literally – that would be both dangerous and land you in jail, where bad tea will be the least of your worries – but metaphorically, or whatever the right word is. You should tell the waitron that the tea needs boiling water to bring out the flavors. You should then offer to show them how to do it, perhaps after hours when the kitchen is deserted and you can be alone. And perhaps you could stand behind him or her, guiding their movements like a tennis coach cosies up behind his comelier students.
And then perhaps your eyes will meet (despite them facing away from you – just stay with me here) and your lips will brush together lightly. You will kiss, tentatively, and then you will spoil it all by trying to slip them the tongue. You fool. Everyone knows to keep the tonguebeast in reserve until the second date.
Anyway, I’m now feeling all hot and bothered. Time for a smokey lapsang souchong and a biscuit (that’s an English “cookie”) followed by a cold shower to calm down.
Tea is $2.
Citation needed ↩