iPhone 5 Makes Other Smartphones Look Like Your Lard Ass Uncle [First Impressions]

iPhone 5 Makes Other Smartphones Look Like Your Lard Ass Uncle [First Impressions]

Everybody has been totally nerdgasming all over themselves this morning about the thinness of the iPhone 5.  It’s been kind of annoying to be honest, but then once you actually get to caress its skinny little body, you realize no one is overreacting.

The iPhone 5 has a serious eating disorder, and it’s freaking beautiful. The iPhone 5 isn’t supermodel thin, it’s subatomic thin. Like, this iPhone 5 is so crazy gaunt that I’m actually having a hard time texting on it, but I love it.

I’ve been using a Galaxy Nexus for the past 3 months because my iPhone 4S tried to go swimming with dolphins. I finally got used to how bulky the Galaxy Nexus is compared to the iPhone 4S and could text wicked fast on it. But now that I’ve switched to the iPhone 5 I feel like I’m in a completely different texting fantasyland as my thumb jabs at the screen because it barely feels like the iPhone is in my palm.

In terms of volume, the iPhone 5 is actually bigger than the iPhone 4S — even though it’s thinner — but you don’t notice it at all. The drop in pants sizes won’t be jarring  just to iPhone 4S users either. Any Android owner who walks into the Apple Store and picks this thing up might spontaneously combust, or just drool at how the iPhone 5 feels like a tiny ballerina in your palm.

There’s not a single Android phone on the market that is as thin and light as the iPhone 5, other than the Droid RAZR HD, and Motorola hasn’t been able to sell any units. Yeah, I know, Apple didn’t completely redesign the iPhone this year, but they definitely threw down the gauntlet to every design team in the world challenging them to just try and make a smartphone that performs as well as the iPhone 5, and is just as breathtakingly skinny.

  • ddevito

    Motorola RAZR HD is thinner…and sleeker. And has NFC.

  • ddevito

    Nice how you compared the iPhone 5 to the Galaxy Nexus at the bottom of the phones.

    The Nexus is curved – ya know – it’s a DESIGN element. The curved display fits great in your hand. Thus making your pic useless as a comparison.

  • ddevito

    Kudos to using a GNex. Cheers!

  • Tallest_Skil

    Shut UP, you worthless, pathetic WRETCH.

    People like you need removed from the Internet entirely. You’ve no right to be in society if you abuse it so.

  • dcj001

    Motorola RAZR HD is thinner…and sleeker. And has NFC.

    NFC – cool.

    But even though it has NFC, what can you do with it?

    Apple opted not to include NFC in the iPhone 5. Passbook is used to store loyalty cards and gift cards as well as things like boarding passes and baseball tickets.

    Passbook alone does what most customers want and works without existing merchant payment systems. It’s not clear that NFC is the solution to any current problem. Passbook does the kinds of things customers need today.

  • Buster

    Shut UP, you worthless, pathetic WRETCH.

    People like you need removed from the Internet entirely. You’ve no right to be in society if you abuse it so.

    seriously, what is your problem @Tallest_Skil? I’m all for constructive criticism if you hate my writing or opinion, but your response has nothing in it, so elaborate on why you’re being so moody please.

  • Tallest_Skil

    seriously, what is your problem @Tallest_Skil? I’m all for constructive criticism if you hate my writing or opinion, but your response has nothing in it, so elaborate on why you’re being so moody please.

    That answers my question, then. Thanks for the clarification.

  • mamabigdog

    Please don’t celebrate the new form factor by calling eating disorders “freaking beautiful”. That comparison is very damaging to the millions of people (both men and women) who struggle with these every day.

  • ddevito
    Motorola RAZR HD is thinner…and sleeker. And has NFC.

    NFC – cool.

    But even though it has NFC, what can you do with it?

    Apple opted not to include NFC in the iPhone 5. Passbook is used to store loyalty cards and gift cards as well as things like boarding passes and baseball tickets.

    Passbook alone does what most customers want and works without existing merchant payment systems. It’s not clear that NFC is the solution to any current problem. Passbook does the kinds of things customers need today.

    I use Google wallet frequently, I’d say 5-10 times a week. I use it anywhere PayPass is accepted. I was one of the few fandroids hoping Apple would include NFC in the iPhone 5 to help push the standard forward.

  • ddevito
    Shut UP, you worthless, pathetic WRETCH.

    People like you need removed from the Internet entirely. You’ve no right to be in society if you abuse it so.

    seriously, what is your problem @Tallest_Skil? I’m all for constructive criticism if you hate my writing or opinion, but your response has nothing in it, so elaborate on why you’re being so moody please.

    I think he meant to reply to my comment. :)

  • ddevito

    Even a fandroid as big as me applauds Apple’s hardware designs. I’d hate to think what PCs and smartphones would look like if Apple never made them. Cheers Apple!

  • ddevito
    Motorola RAZR HD is thinner…and sleeker. And has NFC.

    NFC – cool.

    But even though it has NFC, what can you do with it?

    Apple opted not to include NFC in the iPhone 5. Passbook is used to store loyalty cards and gift cards as well as things like boarding passes and baseball tickets.

    Passbook alone does what most customers want and works without existing merchant payment systems. It’s not clear that NFC is the solution to any current problem. Passbook does the kinds of things customers need today.

    I use NFC for Google wallet, and use it 5-10 times a week. It is accepted anywhere PayPass is used, so I was surprised to see how much I can use it. Otherwise I use NFC with phones that also have it. Android Beam is pretty cool, touching phones to share data and apps. I’m surprised iOS doesn’t have anything like this (I think I’ve seen games played on iPods that can share a game)

  • Complexity Staff

    Completely agree with this article.

    After reading reviews for awhile I was like “Ok, ok.. we get it.. it’s thinner and lighter.”

    However, after HOLDING it……. just wow…..

  • wchoreo

    Woohoo it’s thin and the screen is longer and it’s 4G LTE. Wow! I’m Impressed, Buster. The OS is pretty stale and looking older by the second. I love all the beta testing: Siri, Passbook and Maps. Nice. Let the consumer test it out for them as they keep selling it shamelessly. Have fun, in the meantime while everyone else is investing in innovation and giving the consumer what they really need without restrictions. Let’s see what happens in a couple of years. xoxo

  • BigLama

    MULTIPLE NERDGASMS are right!!! i mean i opened my ihpone and i was like drooling instantly!!! its that transition from laptop to macbook air feeling all over again!!

  • mr_bee

    Actually Apple *did* “completely redesign the iPhone this year,” those that don’t think so are only people who don’t know what “design” is and think that two things with a similar appearance are designed similarly, when that isn’t always the case at all.

    Design is about how it’s put together and how it works. The fact that this year’s iPhone is similar in outward appearance (really only from the front also), is irrelevant. The fact that it uses similar “design language” is a *plus* and something that designers spend enormous amounts of time trying to achieve.

    There is actually no better indicator of how bad Samsung is at design than the fact that all of their phones look quite *different* every year. If they were well designed, then like the iPhone, they would use the same sort of design language in a consistent way and in fact look more similar year to year.

  • mr_bee

    Please don’t celebrate the new form factor by calling eating disorders “freaking beautiful”. That comparison is very damaging to the millions of people (both men and women) who struggle with these every day.

    Isn’t the “lard ass” in the title in the same category?

    I think people should just be less over-sensitive about these sorts of things. If people were more resistant to criticism they wouldn’t be so focussed on their image that they get “eating disorders” in the first place.

  • jamesleewake

    I’m moving back to iPhone after five months of using the HTC Titan now that is one heavy phone I can’t wait to see and pick up the iPhone 5 for the first time in person

  • Brian Gregory May

    “In terms of volume, the iPhone 5 is actually bigger than the iPhone 4S”
    Where did you come up with this? This is false.

  • Brian Gregory May

    “In terms of volume, the iPhone 5 is actually bigger than the iPhone 4S”
    Where did you come up with this? This is false.

  • eelynek

    Lard ass uncle? Haha, a few androids are nice looking having copied Apple’s designs of course. But for all their coolness, they still pale in comparison to the iPhone 5’s looks.

  • Jordan Baker

    “caress its skinny little body” lmao

  • Jordan Baker

    i enjoy your posts and think they are super funny, keep up the good work broski!

  • RadTech5000

    Really looking forward to getting my paws on the new iPhone 5. Thanks for your feedback Buster, btw love listening to your podcast keep up the great work buddy.

  • James Bailey

    “In terms of volume, the iPhone 5 is actually bigger than the iPhone 4S”

    The iPhone 5 is 55.3 cm^3. the iPhone 4S is 63.0 cm^3. The iPhone is both thinner and less volume.

About the author

Buster HeinBuster Hein is Cult of Mac's Senior News Editor and lives in Phoenix, Arizona. Twitter: @bst3r.

(sorry, you need Javascript to see this e-mail address)| Read more posts by .

Posted in News | Tagged: , , |